So, let's review the NEW Jane proofing that I've done since my last post. I have added door knob covers (or if your brain doesn't function you may refer to them as "door knob BLOCKERS" until your husband corrects you) to all the downstairs doors. I spent 70 (SEVENTY!!!!!) dollars on a baby gate that will automatically close. It will replace the mattress in front of the stairs. This is because SOME baby (who will remain nameless) takes great pleasure in climbing OVER said mattress and high tailing it up the stairs. Now, truth be told, she CAN actually just pull the mattress down, but climbing over it proves much more of a point. A point that she likes to prove daily. If I find that I like this gate, I will spend ANOTHER 70 (SEVENTY!!!!!) dollars on another gate and place it outside the back door. This is no joking matter. We have a pool and a very determined baby.
Then there was the day that Jamie found Jane straddled over the rail of her crib, trapped between the wall and the rail. That day, I got online and researched those crib tents. But then I figured that she'd just use her little monkey hands and feet and somehow end up swinging upside down from it. And the last thing I want to do is provide her with one MORE thing to hang upside down from.
I'd love to figure out a way to keep her from sitting in the middle of the kitchen table. In the time it takes me to put three plates in the dishwasher, she has scaled the kitchen chairs and is sitting proudly in the middle of the table. You want to know the funny thing? THE CHAIRS NEVER MOVE!!! I still can't figure out how she does it because I CAN'T CATCH HER IN ACTION! I've checked the baby proofing aisles, but they don't MAKE anything that claims, "Will Keep Your Half-Monkey Child off Tables". So I don't know? Butter? Crisco? Do you know how stupid I sound when I yell, "You may NOT sit on the kitchen table!!"
Today I went out and bought 15 dollars worth of onesies. Yes, it seems we have graduated from the training pants. I found her standing completely naked in her crib this morning. Diaper, pajamas AND training pants all on the floor as if to say, " SUCKER!!!!" Who knows how long she had been there like that? All I can say is, long enough to tee tee.
I'd like to get a new stroller. One that will contain her, as she crawled out of hers this morning, slithered out underneath the little snack bar and RAN from me. But I don't know what stroller WOULD actually contain her aside from one in which you physically SEW her into it. Who has time for that?
And those flimsy little straps on the shopping carts at Walmart? HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! How Jane and I laugh at those! When we get there, I strap her in just to humor myself and appease other customers who look at me scathingly an hour later, as she is turned completely around and KNEELING in the cart. I repeatedly point out, "She IS strapped in!!" I ask them if they have any super glue. They never do. Well...don't offer ADVICE if you don't even carry super glue! Oh, but Walmart is her favorite place! She waves from the time we walk in, to the time we leave. Her fans...they adore her. And she MUST turn around backwards to wave at them all!!
My baby. She is an undeniable force of nature. Hurricane Jane. Hmmm...has a nice ring to it, I think.
**Edited to add: Upon waking up from her nap, Jane was found sans overalls and diaper. What does this kid have against clothes?? And when did she learn to remove overalls?