See this piece of baby equipment? This harmless thing. Looks like a booster seat, right? Yes, I do believe that's the name they go by in stores, but what they are REALLY called is, "The Chair that will make You Look Really Stupid in a Restaurant" Just won't fit on the manufacturer's label.
This particular chair was given to me by one of my very good friends. I have inherited a lot of baby equipment with this baby, from some fabulous people. And it's a good thing too since Jamie and I gave EVERYTHING away after Annie was born. Yes...we are THOSE people who decide to sell everything in a garage sale, and then buy it all again in order to have one more baby. Anyway, I digress...the chair...it is rockin'! I've never had such good baby stuff before! So tonight, when we ventured Out to Eat for one of the first times in nine months, we decided to break it out.
Oh and Jane...she loved it! She was so comfortable and ate all of her cheerios. She was happy the whole time we were there. And Jamie and I, we SANG the praises of "The Chair that will Make you Look Really Stupid in a Restaurant". And then it was time to leave. Jamie took Jane so he could get her in her carseat and I took the big kids and told him I'd grab The Chair. Ahhh..."grab the chair". What an innocent expression from the naive.
So this is one of those chairs that slides onto the end of a table. You tighten up the knobs on it to keep it in place. Tightening up the knobs took a bit of work...people were LOOKING at me, but hey, it's all worth it for the happiness of one small person who will let me eat a meal mostly uninterrupted. But untightening those knobs...my GOSH. I started turning those things and after a good two minutes on the first one I was making no progress. I had the two older children who were turning circles around the table like hyper little dogs. I kept twisting, and then changed directions, thinking that perhaps I was turning it the wrong way. I kept repeating, "Lefty loosey, righty tighty" OUT LOUD. The people on either side of me were now avidly paying attention. They were both mothers, both silently laughing at my struggle with The Chair. The big children were still bouncing back and forth between the walls and tables, like little ping pong balls, narrowly missing knocking into servers with trays full of drinks. It was then that I realized that I was slowly losing control of both my children AND The Chair. I began to sweat.
And like Skinner's rats who pressed a button and were rewarded for every 56th push (What?? YOU didn't learn about that in psychology?) I finally managed to get the first knob unscrewed! And now knowing it CAN be done, I began working on the second knob. This time I couldn't even TURN the knob. Evidently, I have Super Human strength when loose knobs mean that my baby will go crashing to the floor. I can't imagine how I managed to get it so tight, but I could NOT. MOVE. IT. I contemplated just leaving the thing and letting Jamie deal with it, but then it became a QUEST. ME....against THE CHAIR. And I WILL DO THIS.
I finally managed to loosen it, still repeating, "Lefty loosey, righty tightey..." I turned around and the mother who was silently laughing at me earlier is now in a full blown hysterical fit over my plight. Other patrons were watching the spectacle I was making of my myself between my children, The Chair, and my sweating and furious turning of the knobs. I briefly wondered what I would have done had Jamie not been with me to take Jane. I turned to her and said, "I fully expect Ashton Kutcher to pop around the corner at any second and say, 'You've been Punked!'" And at that moment, I actually glanced up to see if the cameras were heading for me. They weren't. I can't even get five minutes of fame out of this deal with this chair? What. Ever.
But I did prevail! I won! I beat the chair! I took it out of the restaurant victoriously as the servers held the doors for me to make my triumphant exit. As I left I saw Jamie standing by the car. "Why didn't you get in?" I asked him while getting ready to explain what took me so long. "You have the keys," he replied. Sigh.