Mommy Stoopid...

Man...that's two posts in a row following the same theme of Stupidity.  Probably a common theme in my life though, and the subject of many a blog post.

See this piece of baby equipment?  This harmless thing.  Looks like a booster seat, right?  Yes, I do believe that's the name they go by in stores, but what they are REALLY called is, "The Chair that will make You Look Really Stupid in a Restaurant"  Just won't fit on the manufacturer's label.  

This particular chair was given to me by one of my very good friends.  I have inherited a lot of baby equipment with this baby, from some fabulous people.  And it's a good thing too since Jamie and I gave EVERYTHING away after Annie was born.  Yes...we are THOSE people who decide to sell everything in a garage sale, and then buy it all again in order to have one more baby.  Anyway, I digress...the chair...it is rockin'!  I've never had such good baby stuff before! So tonight, when we ventured Out to Eat for one of the first times in nine months, we decided to break it out.

Oh and Jane...she loved it!  She was so comfortable and ate all of her cheerios.  She was happy the whole time we were there.  And Jamie and I, we SANG the praises of "The Chair that will Make you Look Really Stupid in a Restaurant". And then it was time to leave.  Jamie took Jane so he could get her in her carseat and I took the big kids and told him I'd grab The Chair.  Ahhh..."grab the chair".  What an innocent expression from the naive.  

So this is one of those chairs that slides onto the end of a table.  You tighten up the knobs on it to keep it in place. Tightening up the knobs took a bit of work...people were LOOKING at me, but hey, it's all worth it for the happiness of one small person who will let me eat a meal mostly uninterrupted.  But untightening those knobs...my GOSH.  I started turning those things and after a good two minutes on the first one I was making no progress.  I had the two older children who were turning circles around the table like hyper little dogs.  I kept twisting, and then changed directions, thinking that perhaps I was turning it the wrong way.  I kept repeating, "Lefty loosey, righty tighty" OUT LOUD.  The people on either side of me were now avidly paying attention.  They were both mothers, both silently laughing at my struggle with The Chair.  The big children were still bouncing back and forth between the walls and tables, like little ping pong balls, narrowly missing knocking into servers with trays full of drinks.  It was then that I realized that I was slowly losing control of both my children AND The Chair.  I began to sweat. 

And like Skinner's rats who pressed a button and were rewarded for every 56th push (What??  YOU didn't learn about that in psychology?) I finally managed to get the first knob unscrewed!  And now knowing it CAN be done, I began working on the second knob.  This time I couldn't even TURN the knob.  Evidently, I have Super Human strength when loose knobs mean that my baby will go crashing to the floor.  I can't imagine how I managed to get it so tight, but I could NOT. MOVE. IT.  I contemplated just leaving the thing and letting Jamie deal with it, but then it became a QUEST.  ME....against THE CHAIR.  And I WILL DO THIS.  

I finally managed to loosen it, still repeating, "Lefty loosey, righty tightey..." I turned around and the mother who was silently laughing at me earlier is now in a full blown hysterical fit over my plight.  Other patrons were watching the spectacle I was making of my myself between my children, The Chair, and my sweating and furious turning of the knobs.  I briefly wondered what I would have done had Jamie not been with me to take Jane.  I turned to her and said, "I fully expect Ashton Kutcher to pop around the corner at any second and say, 'You've been Punked!'" And at that moment, I actually glanced up to see if the cameras were heading for me.  They weren't.  I can't even get five minutes of fame out of this deal with this chair? What. Ever.

But I did prevail!  I won!  I beat the chair!  I took it out of the restaurant victoriously as the servers held the doors for me to make my triumphant exit.  As I left I saw Jamie standing by the car.  "Why didn't you get in?"  I asked him while getting ready to explain what took me so long.  "You have the keys," he replied.  Sigh.  

I'm Not Smart...and You Can't Make Me Be.

So you will notice WAY back on April 16th, I mentioned a sore right ear and sinuses being wrecked.  I see that I also mentioned going to the doctor.  Huh.  Funny that, because I DIDN'T.  Instead, I put it off because I was busy with the party and life and "Hey!  This will totally get better without the help of medical intervention!  Who needs medical intervention?!! Certainly not those of us who can make ourselves better with SHEAR FORCE OF WILL!"  And yes, I am totally married to a NURSE people.  Also, my will??  It is strong!

But not strong enough.  I suffered through two weeks of not being able to hear, and off and on ear pain.  The sinuses never got better and then sometime Wednesday afternoon my throat started hurting.  So yes, I know what you are thinking..."THEN you went to the doctor on Thursday like a sane person, right Malinda?"  Uh no.  I adopt this thinking from my Daddy, "I am not smart and you can't make me be."  No, instead I spent Thursday at the dentist with Jay, and ran four frillion errands, and Friday I worked a garage sale and a book fair.  And WALKED TO PICK UP JAY.  On the way home from that walk my father called me.  I answered the phone sounding like an old lady who has smoked ten too many packs of Marlboros.  He said, "Man, you don't SOUND good!"  I said, "Oh!  This?  I'm fine!  It's just allergies!  Been going on for weeks!"  And then I got off the phone and it occurred to me that actually?  I didn't feel that great.  

Ahh...but Saturday is another day!  And we had soccer games!  Two of them!  And I felt terrible for both.  But there was no time for wallowing because Annie had an accident (before the game even began!) and bumped her head on someone else's head. I believe her exact words were, "Olivia's head is BERY HARD!!" The blood...it was EVERYWHERE.  And I turned into MacGyver and totally rigged up an ice pack as well as used Janie's wipes to get the blood cleaned up...and didn't even get any on my white shorts!  I rock!!  And who wears white shorts to a soccer game anyway?? But that Annie, she wanted to PLAY.  She had to get back in the game Right Now.  And she did and even scored a goal.

I digress though.  We made it home from the games and I realized how Very Badly I was feeling.  So I told Jamie I was headed to the minor medical clinic to go ahead and get seen because I knew that come Monday I would be in bad shape and who has time for the doctor on  Monday?  That is TOTALLY Walmart day!  So I arrived at the minor medical clinic and guess what??!! My insurance does not COVER minor medical visits!  Seriously?  They would rather me sit in a crowded ER for eight hours or so to get some antibiotics?  What. Ever. So I PAID the 95 dollars and They. Will.  Hear. From. Me.  Best 95 dollars I ever spent though.  Apparently I have strep, a terrible sinus infection and an ear infection.  

I am now and the proud owner of five shiny, new pill bottles.  Two steriods, an antibiotic, a decongestant, and a narcotic for the pain.  It's been a long and bad day today, but I think I might be coming out of my fog finally.  I feel certain that a Monday in my jammies will take care of the rest of it.  

So, what did I learn from this?  Probably not too much, other than Darvocet makes me unable to remember ANYTHING.  Which is why I cannot for the life of me think of the funny poop story that I referenced WAY back on April 16th.  Huh.  Maybe it will come back to me.  Or maybe it is forever locked away in the dark recesses of MommyBrain, never to be seen or heard from again.  Oh well.  While I try to remember, enjoy some pictures of the children.  I snapped these during my brief stint outside (in my jammies!!  Horror!!) while Jamie entertained them with promises of swimming in our non-heated, freezing cold swimming pool.  Clearly he wants

us all to be sick this week!!

Annie is a TRUE member of the Polar Bear Club.  Don't worry...we got her out before her kidney's began to shut down.  And yes, you TOO could be the proud owner of the dead plant to the right of Annie IF you possessed my ROCKING gardening skills.  It will be removed this week.

Jay might not always have enough sense to come in out of the rain, but he CERTAINLY has enough sense to get out of that cold pool.  Smarter than the average bear, that boy is!

Nobody puts Baby in a corner!!!  I'm sorry....that was just so fitting here....

A Letter of Request

Dear Jane's Bottom Two Teeth, 

Hello...I am Jane's mama.  You know, the lady who you are torturing with you ever so sllllloooooowwww ascent through Jane's gums?  The woman who's baby has not taken a decent nap in DAYS.  The woman whose baby went from a happy little imp to looking like this:

You know, I am trying to be patient here.  I do appreciate your presence. After all, one cannot partake in the joys of steak and lasagna without you.  But do you realize that you are taking away my baby's sweet, toothless grin? I know Jane would look awfully silly if she had no teeth by the time she was....say....six, but at the same time, I am trying to hold onto to every baby moment here.  And cutting teeth?  Why that just means we are one step closer to getting a driver's license and going off to college.  So in the meantime, I'll hold on to every toothless grin I can get.

But little teeth, my patience...it IS wearing thin.  You are very sneaky, one day looking like you are about to break through and the next day HIDING and making me think that I am seeing things.  You should not do this because when you are my age and you have a baby, you tend to think you have lost your mind on a daily basis.  Your sneaky ways do not help me in my quest to Keep It Together.  

So, both Jane and I implore you...please help us out and make your way through her tender little gums already and end the torture for all of us.  We are tired of the statement, "Forgive her attitude, she is teething."  

You are the source of all her pain and anguish.  How does this make you feel??

Respectfully,

Jane's Mama

And then it Rained...

So Jay's National Treasure birthday party was last weekend.  And yes, you are right, I SHOULD have blogged about it by now.  But I have excuses!  Tons of them!!  Four soccer games and two practices in the past four days!  A shower that needs to be completely gutted and retiled!  In-laws that visited!!  Jane is cutting two teeth!!  And did I mention those soccer games?  And while I'm on the soccer games, Annie's team came close to winning yesterday.  It's the closest they've ever come.  She scored a goal, it was fantastic.  They were tied until the very last minute when the other team scored the winning goal.  Annie didn't realize they had scored and came off the field SO EXCITED!!  Then the coach broke it to her that they had lost.  You would have thought her dog had died.  She was so sad.  It took me fifteen minutes to get her to stop crying.  Bless her....

Okay, but the BIRTHDAY was this weekend!  True to form, Jay got up at literally the CRACK of dawn.  My kids...they love to celebrate an occasion.  Even Valentine's Day causes a lost night's sleep.  So, we were up EARLY, which suited me just fine since Annie's game started at nine o'clock and we needed to get moving.  The threat of rain was high that day, but as we watched the weather, the meteorologist assured us that the front had stalled out, the rain would not be around until the evening hours!  Good news for the party!

Now, let me just mention here the TIME and EFFORT this party took.  I glued together a jeweled treasure box.  Burned my finger.  Made jeweled goodie bags, made maps of the nature park, and then spent HOURS putting together the actual hunt.  You know, the hunt that was supposed to take place OUTSIDE...at the nature park??  This was probably two weeks worth of work.  But don't worry....it's for Jay.  My first born...light of my life....joy of my heart (as all my children are).  What's two weeks when it means that I will get to see the look of joy and wonderment on his face as we are at the party and he realizes, "My mother...she did this for ME!!"  Clearly...I have lost what little brains I have left after this most recent baby. 

So...right...the rain.  I was quite happy to hear that I didn't have to worry about it until the evening hours.  Ha!  Let Jamie deal with it as he cooks ribs!  That's not MY deal!!  We had presents that morning, did the soccer games, got home and it came time for me to go to the park to decorate.  I checked the radar and not a speck of green was to be found.  So, Annie and I loaded up the car and headed to the park to get all set up.  And when I say "set up",  I mean that we unloaded a small portion of the car, hauled it five minutes up hill to the gazebo, went back to the car and repeated this process no less than 25 times.  We finished unloading as the first guests arrived.  Obviously, I did not allow enough time for the two of us, one being a small person with small arms and short legs, to walk up and down a huge hill four thousand times, arms loaded with party gear.  I began setting up. All the guests arrived!  Then Jay arrived with Jamie, the in-laws and the baby!  Pictures were taken!  Excitement!  Boys running everywhere! Nature trails to explore! Birthday madness ensues!!  Treasure hunt time was upon us!!  It began to sprinkle.  Seriously??

But, we are treasure hunters and we press on!  Back down the hill I trudged to hide the treasure box ( in a thicket of thorns I might add...wouldn't want life to be too easy for those eight year olds!).  Back up the hill and we were ready to begin!  We passed out map, compasses and explained the game.  They were beyond excited, and ready for the games to begin.  We headed out to take care of the first clue.  Running!!  Screaming!!  Excited boys!!  They solved the first clue and decoded their next destination.  Wait....was that a rumble of thunder?  Naaaahhhh...keep going.  COULDN'T HAVE BEEN THUNDER?? As we arrive at the second destination there is a DEFINATE rumble of thunder.  You MUST be kidding me!  

But!  We are good sports!!  Am super mom!  Will just head back to the gazebo and wait for this passing storm while we do cake and ice cream, presents, and the pinata.  The treasure hunt...it WILL prevail!  Only it didn't.  It poured.  And poured.  And poured some more.  It poured for an entire hour.  Suddenly, we were covered in green on the radar and had no hope of it letting up.  

Finally, with soaking wet, excited boys, we decided to pack it in and continue the hunt at my house.  Only first we have to get there.  In the pouring rain.  Hauling load after load in the pouring rain.  And retrieving the treasure box from the thorny thicket that had then become a mud pit.  We all learned why exactly I USE a flat iron on my hair.  After a good thirty minutes of hauling stuff in the pouring rain, I get muddy, wet boys loaded into my car and we head to my house. Oh...and did I mention the pouring rain? As we pull out of the nature center parking lot, the rain slacked up.  As we pull into my neighborhood it is only a sprinkle.  After we get boys and treasure hunting supplies out of the car, THE SUN COMES OUT.  I kid you not.  Now, I have a good and faithful God, so I can only assume that He was keeping one of those wild boys from a broken arm or something during that treasure hunt...right??

We finished the treasure hunt inside my house.  With muddy, wet boys.  I swept up dirt for the next three days.  When I asked Jay if he had fun, he said, "YES!  It was a GREAT adventure!!"  Mission accomplished. 

Distractions

I have things to write about.  Funny stories about poop (intriguing, no?), things to tell about Jay's birthday party and how busy this week has been between bible study, getting ready for our grandparent visitors, birthday excitement and planning, so on and so forth.  But instead, I am spending the five minutes between feeding Jane her bottle and fixing children's hair (a time that I usually spend making my bed...my sacrifices for you AMAZE me!!) to jump on and say my sinues are wrecked. And my right ear hurts.  And I can't hear out of it.  And I haven't been able to hear out of it for the past two days.  And my head is killing me.  And motrin is not working. And so, instead of composing creatively written prose, I feel like I am underwater and the sound of anything is driving me crazy.   So, I think I am going to the doctor today, neglecting what I NEED to be doing to get ready for this birthday party. Meh. But I guess ears are sort of important and probably I should take care of this before it completely knocks me on my fanny.

So I will return (victorious over whatever bug this is!!!) to tell you funny stories about poop.  Can't wait, can you?

Quote of the day....

"It's not you...it's me..." 

This is what Jay said to Annie just seconds ago as they were playing wii.  He wanted something, she wanted something else and told him that he never cooperated with her.  He said he knew, but he just HAD to do this one thing.  "It's not you...it's me."  Said with complete and utter sorrow and everything.  After discovering how well it worked on his sister, I guess he'll keep this line for future use.  

Lost in Space

The Millennium Falcon is not here.  I won it on ebay, I paid the next day, and yet it is still not here.  I finally sent a message to the seller today and he said he is mailing it today.  We are cutting it rather close for Jay's birthday next weekend.  And I DON'T LIKE TO CUT IT CLOSE.  The fact that I cannot cross this off my list of "things to do"  highly irks me.  I mean, does the seller not understand the POWER behind crossing something off my "to do" list?  Does he not realize that I MAKE the list simply so that I can CROSS SOMETHING OFF OF IT? That there are things that I have sometimes already completed and yet I still add them to the list anyway so that I can have the power of crossing it off.  Perhaps I am the one with the problem, no?

Last night the Power of the List overwhelmed me.  I have quite the list going to get ready for next week.  Between the big shower remodel, my in laws coming in, four soccer games, the regular weekly activities and Jay's party, THERE IS A LIST.  And it is keeping me up at night.  So I went a little nuts last night and ran to Walmart at 6:00 in order to figure out what kind of cake we were doing.  Just one small errand.  I should know better. But then, nothing was fitting for the theme of his party. And the wandering around began.  An hour later, I left with crafting supplies so that I could MAKE a treasure box for the top of the cake.  And that's what I spent my night doing.  It turned out so cute...I was so pleased!  Until I decided to hot glue on that veeeeery laaaaast jewel.  You know, the one you just NEED to have?  The one that will make the whole thing peeeeeeeerfect?? The one that caused your ring finger to get STUCK to the hot glue gun, bringing about searing pain and blistering? The one that caused you to lose almost an entire night's sleep?  Yes...that one. The sacrifice was worth it though.  It is so cute and best of all, Jay loves it.  I just hope it's not so heavy that it goes crashing through the cake.  And yes, I did write "make treasure box" on my list, JUST so I could cross it off.  See the big green jewel?  That's the one over which I sacrificed my finger.

A Hot Mess...

The snot...it is everywhere.   I think you reach a whole new stage in life when you can write a whole post about snot.  But I can...just watch me.  Little trails of it all over my clothes.  Finding it on the furniture.  Wiped it off the cat.  Really, I did.  And then?  I spent fifteen minutes looking for a bandaid for a scratch on Annie's arm (because a bandaid?  It makes everything better. ) only to find that the scratch was really a trail of dried up snot.  I have reached a new low. 

And when the snot arrives, you know you will spend weeks dealing with it.  Dried up on faces in the morning, running freely throughout the day. Constant wiping, which then makes for cranky children.  "DOOOOOOON'T COME AT ME WITH THAT WET RAG WOMAN!!!" Wipe, wipe, wipe, clean face!  Crying!!  Snot bubbles form and faces are messy again.  Repeat process.  Weeks, people...weeks.  

But I will leave you with this...memories of better times, before the snot covered the toys and before the children were tired of dealing with The Woman with the Snot Rag.  

More than words...

Of course, I'm having a hard time actually WRITING this post because these children keep talking to me.  They do not want me to document the funny things they have said.  Probably because they know I will hold it over their heads as they get older.

Jay- "Mama!  You're the best basketball player in the whole family!!"  Clearly the child hasn't been out much.

Annie- In reference to a PTA luncheon we went to last week, complete with "do it yourself" Mexican food, paper plates and plastic silverware..."Mama!  I had no idea this would be so fancy!!"

Annie- while cooking dinner with me tonight..."The first night that I'm a grown up, I'm making PIZZA!"

Janie- "I DIE!  I DIE!!"

Star Wars...or Bidding Wars??

So Jay has decided that he wants the Millennium Falcon for his birthday from us.  At first, I thought, "GREAT!  An easy present!"  It was at Walmart and easily accessible, versus having to haul out to Toys R Us to get the thing.  It is HUGE, but I am willing to make concessions in order to not have to travel far.  Lazy mother.  And hey, at least I could get my hands on it and not have to worry that the stores didn't have any left. 

I headed to Walmart yesterday to get a few (er...lots of...) things.  I hightailed it over to the toy section in order to get this taken care of immediately, with no other witnesses other than Jane who poses no threat of spilling the beans.  I looked and looked.  IT WAS NOT THERE.  I asked the lady who was working in the toy section and she said they just stopped carrying them.  Of COURSE they did.  So I spent lots of money on other things instead.

When I got home, I got online thinking that maybe I could order it from Toys R Us, or at least drive out there to get it.  IT WAS NOT THERE EITHER.  Now, if you know us, you know that this is a pattern.  Usually it is some Christmas something or other that Jay has asked for that cannot possibly be found in stores and is only available through ebay and paying an extra 50 dollars, spinning around in circles and holding your tongue JUST so.  So, I started searching other places.  I found two on Amazon.  They were the only two left.  Anywhere.  In the world. AND they were WAY more expensive than the price Walmart had.  AND an extra 25 dollars for shipping.  SERIOUSLY?? So, I finally checked ebay, where lo and behold, I found one!  For less than Walmart had it! And free shipping!  Of course, first I had to win the auction. So I put my bid in and the battle began.  

12 hours later and it is mine!!  I WON!! I WON!! I WON I WON I WON!!  A major prize!  A major prize!!  I WON I WON I WON!!  ( a special prize for anyone who knows the movie).  

So, laundry has not been folded, I'm behind on dinner, Jay has soccer and I'm letting Jane play with coasters right now.  BUT I am an ebay winner and THAT makes me awesome!

A Little Glimpse into Night Life at My House...

This??? Well, this is just sick...and maybe a little sad.  Yes...there are two cats here.  They kind of blend together, no?

See this baby?  This sweet sleeping angel all passed out and cute?  Couldn't you just CHOMP on her cheeks?  And maybe kiss the folds in her neck?  Yeah, me too.  Problem being though that this sweet, sleeping little girl WAKES UP.  And then you have to do things, like keep her from crashing into various pieces of furniture, cause her much angst and grief as you remove small, shiny objects form her fat baby hands, and do the unthinkable...CHANGE HER DIAPER.  

Why...oh why!!??  Why must we torture this baby so by insisting that she be clean and dry.  Horrible parents, we are.  Probably you should report us to the authorities.  Probably our neighbors would LIKE THAT VERY MUCH because there is obviously some kind of torture going on at our house during various times of the day, judging from the screaming by the smallest member of our household.  Sigh. 

So, I turn into a crocodile wrestler several times a day.  That's the only thing I can equate it to.  I mean really though, can you think of a better analogy?  As I remove the old diaper, Jane immediately goes into what can only be classified as The Death Roll.  Legs out straight (as I forcibly hold them down) and contorts her body so that her upper half is stomach down on the bed, and her lower half gives the illusion that a new diaper MIGHT be put in place if only you had two more hands with which to open it, fasten it AND hold her legs in place at the same time.  So I let go, she rolls all the way over, I roll her back and we repeat this process until I am sweaty and she is screaming.  Oh...only it's not just screaming...hence that whole neighbors reporting us thing.  No, no...screaming would be welcome.  Instead, Jane is learning to babble.  And her favorite vowel/consonant combo is,  "A Da!" Seems harmless right?  Well, if you crank up the volume to Ear Shattering, and then add an edge of desperation to it, it sounds more like, "I DIE!!! I DIE!!! I DIE!!!"  I expect the police any minute here...

And honestly, I think what she's really saying is, "I'm dying and I'm taking you with me Diaper Welding Woman!!"