See this baby? This sweet sleeping angel all passed out and cute? Couldn't you just CHOMP on her cheeks? And maybe kiss the folds in her neck? Yeah, me too. Problem being though that this sweet, sleeping little girl WAKES UP. And then you have to do things, like keep her from crashing into various pieces of furniture, cause her much angst and grief as you remove small, shiny objects form her fat baby hands, and do the unthinkable...CHANGE HER DIAPER.
Why...oh why!!?? Why must we torture this baby so by insisting that she be clean and dry. Horrible parents, we are. Probably you should report us to the authorities. Probably our neighbors would LIKE THAT VERY MUCH because there is obviously some kind of torture going on at our house during various times of the day, judging from the screaming by the smallest member of our household. Sigh.
So, I turn into a crocodile wrestler several times a day. That's the only thing I can equate it to. I mean really though, can you think of a better analogy? As I remove the old diaper, Jane immediately goes into what can only be classified as The Death Roll. Legs out straight (as I forcibly hold them down) and contorts her body so that her upper half is stomach down on the bed, and her lower half gives the illusion that a new diaper MIGHT be put in place if only you had two more hands with which to open it, fasten it AND hold her legs in place at the same time. So I let go, she rolls all the way over, I roll her back and we repeat this process until I am sweaty and she is screaming. Oh...only it's not just screaming...hence that whole neighbors reporting us thing. No, no...screaming would be welcome. Instead, Jane is learning to babble. And her favorite vowel/consonant combo is, "A Da!" Seems harmless right? Well, if you crank up the volume to Ear Shattering, and then add an edge of desperation to it, it sounds more like, "I DIE!!! I DIE!!! I DIE!!!" I expect the police any minute here...
And honestly, I think what she's really saying is, "I'm dying and I'm taking you with me Diaper Welding Woman!!"